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I have to say I am glad to have found this community. I have been searching since 8am this morning for a place like this (everywhere else seemed to be pro ana).
What I am about to write could get a little long, so to be on the safer side, I'm going to chuck it into a cut, just incase.

I'm 20-years-old and have been suffering from low selfeseem and low self confidence problems since I was 6.
From being beaten mentally, physically and emotionally all through primary school and then into my early years of high school, I guess I quickly came to think that the only comments I deserved, were insults. And I now find myself doing it. Which I hate. I cannot accept a comment from anyone, my only response is a quick self insult. It's as if my mind if programed itself to 'insults are normal. Compliments are evil'
At about 13 I started to abuse my body, I would cut up my legs, arms, face and boobs, because I was so sick of the way my body looked. I started to force myself to vomit and also went days without eating, which came of no result. My body never once changed at all during those years of abuse, it's always stayed the same weight and kept the same curves that I dispise.
And to top it all off, the string of boyfriends that I had between the ages of 16-19 were either violently abusive (everything from being cheated on to being zapped with a cattle prod, because he thought it was funny), constantly put me down and made me feel like a dirty rag and to top that off they've all cheated on me. Which only makes me feel like I a some ugly sod, who deserves to be treated like absolute shit by partners. Making me feel that I am not good enough for anyone, never will be and I should die alone and abandon all hopes of ever finding happieness.

I look at the scars on my body and it angers me to think about how stupid I was back then. I look at pictures from when I was younger and think "Why the fuck did I think I was fat and ugly back then?" ...yet I still think horrible things about myself. As for the cutting, I have not cut since I was 17.

I'm tired of the people around me constantly yelling at me for having a problem like this. In all honesty I cannot help it, but I do wish to change it. Their yelling isn't going to change it. It just annoys me when other people cannot understand, that no matter what size, colour or how normal you may appear to be... everyone has problems.
I want to see what other people claim they see. I want to be able to accept something nice when it's said to me. I wish just to feel happy in my own skin, even if only for a split second.

Yes, I can admit that I am not happy with myself. But I want to change that, becuase I believe that somewhere tucked deep down, there is actually a small part of me that doens't think I am that bad. I want to be able to find that part and teach the rest of me to learn to accept myself the way I am.

I just wanna love myself the way God made me....
Current Mood:
pessimistic pessimistic
Current Music:
Proud And True - Bulldog Breed
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[User Picture]
On March 11th, 2008 04:48 am (UTC), existdance commented:
welcome! this is the first activity i've seen in this community in quite a long time. first of all, wow, you are very beautiful!
nextly, sorry to hear about your having had to go through so much abuse. I used to cut myself too, and I read this book called a bright red scream which explains how people abused in childhood are conditioned to continue the abuse on themselves. the book explained it a lot better than i could, though.
congratulations on not cutting anymore and on wanting to break the cycle and finally start loving yourself. IMO you have to love yourself before you can ever be truly happy. once you love yourself you will want to make the best decisions possible for yourself, like not allowing others to abuse you, and not even letting those people be a part of your life. if a person really cared about you they would have to be pretty ignorant to think that yelling at you is going to help you overcome your problems.
i would suggest you try to seek out friends/supports/resources who are understanding, caring, and patient. also, try to do more positive self talk. it will probably feel fake at first when you first start talking to yourself in a loving manner (in your head rather than out loud usually, lol) but after a while it will probably start to feel like an actual conversation with a person you really truly love.
when i first started trying to work on learning to love myself i found a lot of helpful stuff on the internet to read about it. i even tried the cheesy stuff like looking in the mirror and saying i love you, even though it felt silly. but, seriously, working on loving and accepting myself is probably the best thing i've done for myself. let me know if you want me to recommend some stuff on the internet to read or if you want someone to talk to online about all this stuff.

well, i guess i am done rambling. take care, and good luck with all this!
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